Thursday, August 18, 2011

Emotional...

His wedding ring and tag I wear around my neck
I’ve been very absent from blogging lately. Not just blogging, but writing in general. I’ve read WF and started revisions, but halfheartedly. My husband deployed, and a piece of me left on Monday. It’s been hard for me to concentrate. I check my phone continuously making sure I haven’t missed his call. Skype, facebook, and messenger remain open on my desktop in case he finds a hotspot and is able to connect. My kids are curious why Daddy hasn’t come home from work. I have to repeatedly tell them that Daddy had to go to work for a long time and won’t be home for a while. But the hardest is bedtime, when I crawl into our king size bed alone. It might as well be as vast as the ocean that separates us. I play our song, Lucky, about a hundred times a day and wonder if he is doing the same. This house is lonely without him.
I go on though, working and cleaning to keep my mind busy. The house remains spotless. My friends and family send notes and texts of encouragement, offering help if it’s ever needed.
I know this is sad and depressing, and you are probably wondering what it has to do with writing. It has everything to do with writing. Writers are fueled by their emotions. We can’t help that what we are feeling pours onto the page, and when we need to concentrate on a certain piece where the emotions are opposite to what it is we are feeling, it can be frustrating.
This morning I tried to rewrite the beginning of WF. I wrote it up and sent it to my Alpha-Beta, aka Mom. Nothing is final until she approves it. In short, she didn’t like it. She wrote back to me, “It just sounds so forced. You need to let it flow.”
She was right. I had felt the same about it as I was writing it, but that is just how my writing is now. I feel it has to be forced out.
I know the sadness will lessen in a week or so and my writing will flow again, but until then I’m stuck trying to learn how to revise around my mixed up emotions.
How do your emotions affect your writing?
A.McBay

8 comments:

  1. Amy--I started writing seriously when life was very dark, because I needed to imagine another life for myself. I needed to imagine being an author of books and doing what I loved and getting paid for it. I know you have to feel sad and lonely--and probably scared--for as long as you feel that way, but is there anything about writing that you can use to pick you up out of this reality?

    My dreams were so over the top during that period in my life, because I was living off of dreams. I was going to finish the novel in a few months, and make enough money to do it as a living. I needed completely unrealistic expectations of my future to pull me out of the hardness of the present.

    Can you maybe tell yourself that this time without your husband is for you and your book. Time to polish it up and finish it without worrying about putting your relationship with your husband on the back burner. Can you use this time away as the deadline to finish the book?

    I can't imagine how hard this is, and I hope you accept help from those who offer it. Reach out to us, as well. We're here. I'm here. :)

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  2. PS. I'm sending you virtual hugs. Lots and lots.:)

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  3. SENDING MILLIONS OF VIRTUAL HUGS, TOO! And then when you're up for a little escape, we totally need a girls night to get your mind of things and enjoy life!!

    I think my hubs had to cancel my cell service (he got a new plan for work, that's not a family plan) but you know how to get a hold of me when you want to go out just us, or get the kids together. Let me know!

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  4. Heather, thanks so much for the encouragement. I have plans to finish before he gets back, especially now that the tour is being extended. I'm just overly emotional this week :P I'm sure it will pass soon. The book is keeping me grounded. I just have to figure out revisions and I'll be golden. This is the first time I've done them so with everything else that's going on it kind of feels overwhelming sometimes.

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  5. Thanks M! I will be taking you up on that soon! I could use a girls night :P

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  6. I started writing when in a dark place, too. It helped me find my way out. However, when my brother-in-law unexpectedly died in November, I didn't write for at least 2-3 weeks. I kept a journal though and have brought it out when I get to some place where it's appropriate.

    Maybe work on something else where you can channel those emotions, then come back to WF?

    Hugs. My wished for your husband safe return and very soon.

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  7. I think so too Heather ;)
    M Pax, I do have my morning pages that help. They are like a journal. I've thought about starting a new project and have two outlines ready. WF2 would be the closest one to relating how I'm feeling so I may set aside some revision time to write on that. It's been tough figuring out what I want to do while he is away but I'm sure as soon as he arrives at his destination safely I'll be able to chill a bit and not worry so. Thanks for the advice and the well wishes.

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