Wednesday, December 5, 2012

IWSG: Guilt


It's that time of month again! Time for Insecure Writer's Support Group hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh. A support group to help writers with all the woes of writing. Don't let my upbeat attitude fool you, I have plenty of writerly issues!
When I started writing it was purely a hobby. As my story grew so did my dream of actually becoming a writer.I wanted to have my book published and read by others, to share my dreams with the world. A dream all writers share I’m sure.
I started out writing only at night, in my own time, when the family was asleep and no one demanded my attention. I was a closet writer, and not even my Hubz knew what I was doing up late every night. Then I started to study the craft more, and my writing took up more of my time. I was quickly becoming obsessed with this creative power I had, and eventually I was found out. My Hubz was angry at first that I hid this part of me, but as he did with my art, he was supportive.
I decided I wanted writing to be more than just a hobby, but I still only write in my free time. I can’t write while there are chores to be done, or family to tend to. I feel guilty if I leave the dishes in the sink so that I can write. At this very moment my house is a disaster from decorating my daughters room for her birthday, and it is just eating me up to be sitting here writing when I have so much house work to do. I have the permission to write, but I can’t overcome the guilt I feel when I put my writing first.
Is it because it still feels like a hobby, that I still find it enjoyable, that it still feels like a reward to be claimed at the end of the day when I have completed all of my tasks? I want to be able to turn that other part of me off when it comes time to write, to not be nagged by the things I can get to later. It’s hard enough working around the family.
Last month I dropped everything for writing. I had easy pre-made meals, my house was less than perfectly clean (yes, I’m a neat freak), and for the first time ever, writing was number one on my task list.
I got up, took my daughter to school, fixed my son breakfast, then settled in at my keyboard with a cup of coffee. It was hard. I couldn’t stay focused. So I started doing chores at night so the house didn’t look so bad the next day. That took time from the Hubz who after a long day at work, wanted to just be around me and be my focus of attention.
It feels like no matter where I schedule my writing time, I always find something else I should be doing, or someone else I should be paying attention to.
When does the guilt stop?