Wednesday, March 6, 2013

IWSG: Suck it up Cupcake

The first Wednesday of every month is the official Insecure Writers Support Group blog hop, brainchild of the wonderful Alex Canvanaugh, where writers can express their insecurities and fears of the writing world.

Suck it up cupcake. It's something my mother tells me when I get down and depressed, not that she is being heartless, but that it's our little way of telling each other that bitching and moaning about it won't do any good. Maybe that is why I haven't bothered to tell her how down I have been the past month. How I hate my MS, how my kids are driving me bonkers, how I don't want to go on our spring break road trip and just want to be alone, how my wonky body is starting to really tick me off, and how all I want to do all day everyday is sleep... 

I was going to write about it for IWSG, but then I happened across Charmaine Clansy's IWSG post. It was the mental slap I needed. Thank you, Charmaine for your wise words!

I'm also taking one from the fabulous Joanna Penn and making this my new mantra, everyday.

So here I go! Sucking it up, and making art! Wish me luck :)

Friday, March 1, 2013

Hopeful Zombie Gal

Today I feel relief. Not from the pain and fatigue that has plagued me the past few years, no, that is still very much a part of my day to day life, but I do have hope now that in the near future it may ease up. I have hope that this zombification of mental and physical exhaustion will soon be lifted, and I will be able to once again think clearly. As it is now, I feel like a fish in a fish bowl swimming round and round, getting absolutely no where. At least if there is a zombie apocalypse, I'm safe. No brains here, keep walking.

Yesterday was my first appointment with my new on base doctor. I was so nervous. My last doctor had shut me out as soon as I started explaining my symptoms, and I may as well have been talking to a brick wall. The way he looked at me made me feel like he thought I was crazy. Maybe I am, but that doesn't mean that what I’m feeling isn't real! The pain I wake up to and go to bed with is very real, as is the fatigue that makes me feel as if I haven’t slept in a month.

I can’t focus on my writing, it comes out as slop, and I’m embarrassed my critique partners have to put up with both my writing and my crummy critiques lately. I’m so thankful they understand what a tough time I’m having.

My new Doc is amazing though! She really listened to me, and talked to me, not through me. By the end of the appointment she had a list of tests she wanted me to do, but said that she agreed, sounds like I have the fibro.  I figured as much. I have done everything I can on my own to treat it. I exercise, eat healthy, and take my vitamins, yada yada yada…Helps when your mother and grandmother have it and can instruct you on how to treat it. But there is only so much you can do before you have to get help.

We have to rule out the chances that this is something else before she will put me on Lyrica, a depression medicine known to ease Fibro symptoms. So it’s off to the lab for me to get my blood drawn (Ick! I hate needles!). I also get to go to a sleep study. Now this test I’m actually excited about. I get to go to a lab and sleep! No kids waking up with nightmares, no hubby snoring in my ear, and no dogs curled up next to me… Okay, I’ll miss the dogs. They make wonderful heaters.

Until all of my tests are in, and Doc gets me set up with whatever treatment she thinks will work best for me, I will have to continue on as I have, struggling to find my words, chugging pots of coffee, and doping up on Benadryl just to get to sleep at night, but now I have the hope that I will soon have a bit of relief. Hope is such a wonderful feeling.